Thoughtfloss:

I swear, there are more sins in parenthood than there are in the Bible.  So many things that you can do wrong (or have go wrong) that make you feel like you're being judged by others, even if you're not.  It's that good old fashioned Catholic guilt, but stronger, because you're not just cursing yourself to eternal damnation, you're also (maybe) totally messing up your kids for life.

So... Last week sucked.  I mean, SUCKED.  I mean... well, you get the point.  I can't tell you how much it sucked without getting vulgar and inappropriate.  Not to say I'm not tempted.  It's been that bad.  A few tongue-tingling words might feel good, but they won't fix anything, so why bother?

Josh is still having problems.  He started the week ok, but from Wednesday on, it turned into a nightmare at school.  Calls from the school to come and pick him up, and then going and fighting him to come home.  Friday was a wrestling match that included me, Josh, and the assistant principal.  Yeah, that was fun.  But the real knife in the gut came when they had to call the POLICE because he still wouldn't calm down.  He was desperate to go back into school, to say goodbye to his teacher.  "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE!" He kept trying to unhook his seatbelt and run from the car, which is obviously a safety issue.  And we couldn't reach him.  It was like he was locked into his head, and couldn't hear us, couldn't understand us, understand the ramifications of what he was doing.  So finally, they called the police.  And we still waited and warned him and wrestled him.  Finally the police officer showed up, and he came over and told Josh that he had to go home, he had to calm down.  Somehow he heard that, so he stopped fighting.

And, I swear to God, before we were out of the school loop, he was calm again.  Talking to his brother about video games. And that's so strange, but it gives us hope.  He can be calm, he can be happy.  But... what the hell is going on that is making him so emotional at school?  These outbursts don't usually happen at home (though he did have one about moisturizer last week, as well).  I don't know... We don't know... Even the therapists we've been talking to don't know.  It's probably going to be a long slow process figuring this out, but I  have to find a solution to continue his education through it in the meanwhile.  I have a meeting at the school today to address that very issue.

One day at a time, I guess... But they are very long days, to be sure.

I'm ready for this week to be done.  And it's only Tuesday!  But next week is school vacation, and I'm really ready for it.  Marcel is away until late Thursday, and my mom is here helping out, but the sleep schedule is messed up because the kids have a hard time settling down when their routines are disrupted.  Josh started anti-anxiety medicine yesterday, and it will be a little bit before we know if it's working, but we're really hoping it does.  He's had a rough time in school lately, which is an understatement, so we need something to change.

Aidan has spent the last several days participating in the school's preschool program so they can do some academic testing on him, and he loves it.  Absolutely LOVES it.  But he doesn't get to keep going--Friday is his last day, and I think it's going to destroy him for a bit.  He has been enjoying it so much.  It's so hard.  They're saying that he doesn't seem to have any academic issues that would warrant coding him, so there's not going to be any reason to bring him in as a special education student, but I inquired about their other program that lets regular students come with tuition and they're completely filled up and have a waiting list a mile long.  

Zach's complaining about his stomach hurting for days, too.  It's just one of those weeks.

Who wants to do that?  But here I am.  There's been a lot going on in my life lately that involves mental health, and I have to say it hasn't been good stuff.  

Josh went through a metamorphosis this winter, from a very happy-go-lucky kid to one who is prone to melt downs, screaming fits, tantrums, and all sorts of other nightmarish behaviors.  And boy, has it been hard.  From sleeping on his mattress in my room (for *months* now) to refusing to get on the bus, throwing tantrums about going to school, and actual problems in school, I have to admit it's wearing me out.  

The good news is, the school has been great, even if something or someone at the school is the source of our difficulties--because Josh is frequently in a good mood when he's not in school, unless it's time to go to school.  We're working with a large team who is trying to offer every single resource they can.

I have brought him to the pediatrician, although that was a huge source of conflict because he didn't want me to talk to the doctor about him and kept trying to leave the room or cover my mouth. Everyone who knows him is shocked by the changes.  I am going to bring him back to see the doctor on Monday and ask him to put Josh on some anti-anxiety meds, because it seems apparent that a large part of the problem is anxiety.  And I have an appointment with a therapist on his ninth birthday--what a day for that--to go and see about getting him to get some help.

I had to go and pick him up twice today from school.  He left after a fit, and went back willingly, but they called me to come and get him again before school was done.  And he was in a horrible rage--even threw a chair.  The principal and vice principal were both there, trying to calm him down, but he just wanted to be alone.  He didn't even want me to be there.  I went out to move my car so the buses could pull in when it was time, and I sat in the car and cried for a minute.  I am trying everything I can, but it breaks my heart for him to be like this, especially since he won't open up about what is causing all the anxiety and anger.  And it worries me.  I was sitting there, thinking about writing about all of this, and I wondered what I would call the blog...  And the thought came to my mind, "I lost my Peter Pan," and that's when I lost it.  Where are the happy thoughts?  The optimism, the cheeriness, the little boy who never let the world get to him?  

So much of this burden is on him--I know he's struggling; it's absolutely clear.  But I think this, whatever it is, call it mental illness maybe, is weighing on our whole family, keeping us on guard and tense.  I didn't really want to put much up about his struggles here, but they're my struggles too.  I have to hope it gets better, and soon...

We had bought a wood stove, had the delivery planned for today, and wood was coming as well.  But we had the chimney inspection this morning, and found out that the chimney is cracked and unsafe to use.  Hmmm.  We can get it fixed, but it's going to cost enough that it's going to have to wait a while.  We were able to cancel the stove delivery and get a refund thankfully, but I was looking forward to being toasty.

We found out today that Alex qualifies for speech therapy, which is good. It'll help him.  His teacher did say that he was one of the most advanced kids in the class academically though.  That's great to hear. And they all think he's a doll.  (And he is!)

It's been a long day all around, and right now I'm tired, and not thinking of much.  But I wanted to write.  Easy to get out of the habit. 

Sometimes I want to be part of the world.  Sometimes, I just pull myself into myself.  It can feel like the world is a big, open, friendly place full of great people.  Other times, I just feel like the world is too big, too busy, and it overwhelms me.  I talk to people, but I don't go out of my way for conversation.  I don't really think much about it, until I realize I've been doing it.  I have conversations with myself in my own head, and lose myself in there sometimes.  

I try not to get that way too often, and I usually push myself to get out of that trap, but sometimes it's just more comfortable, easier, less stressful.  I don't hate anyone, I just don't want to bother with anyone either.  Expanding and contracting emotionally and socially, that's me.  Right now, I'm a tiny little ball of me.  

You know, I don't always like myself much.  I hate that I am so negative sometimes, that I complain so much, that I wallow in self-pity until I'm pretty sure nobody can stand me any longer, because I sure as hell can't stand myself.  It's been a bit of a stretch like that lately, but I don't want it, and I don't like it.  I don't want to let it take me over.  If I talk and write about the negative, I'm letting it take over.  So, I am working on finding the bright side of things, even if there are times when I feel like I'm looking under rocks to find them. Which, you know, makes no sense.  *It's dark down there.*

This has been a weird winter.  Not much snow, which is generally a good thing, but sometimes a disappointing thing.  I don't want to shovel it or drive in it, but I do so like to watch the snow fall, and I like days when I know there's no reason to go anywhere because the roads are crappy and school is closed and we can just sit and watch the snow fall.  I'm learning more about this house and the world around it though.  For example, the snow in the back of the house, right near the house (what little there is), will probably be there longer than anywhere else in the yard, because the sun arches low across the horizon and the house casts a shadow back there almost all day long.  I've learned that, on sunny days, you can chase the sunshine across the house, starting with the office end and working along to the living room.  On a day like that, my window seat is a great place to catch some afternoon rays full on in my face.

In a few more weeks, my mom will come over to stay with us for a few days while Marcel is away at the User Conference.  I am always happy when he's back home again, but it's a fun time to have my mom over.  It's a different kind of vacation.  And then the kids will be on vacation for a week, and then we'll be that much closer to Spring.  I can hardly wait! :)

Marcel and I had our eleventh anniversary last Friday.  There was no huge amount of fanfare, because money's been tight and our babysitters are a bit far away for an easy night out.  But we were going to deposit Marcel's paycheck (our Friday evening ritual) and decided to stop somewhere for some food.  Ben and Emi ended up coming with us.  Zach was home with the rest, but Ben declared that he wanted to come along, and we always bring Emiliana with us.  So, we ended up at the local pizza place on a double date.  Marcel and I on one side of the table, Benjamin and Emi on the other side.  It was really pretty cute.  And I didn't mind having a couple of tag-a-longs on our "date" since there was no candlelight or romantic music to disturb. Besides, they're part and parcel of this marriage. 

Saturday, we went and picked up Emi's new-old glasses.  We used the same frames from her first pair, but got new lenses put in.  Then we took a long ride out to Portsmouth for some caramel apples that we brought home to share with the kids.  They love them almost as much as I do. :)  And as Marcel said, "Hey, I'm eating an apple," which he usually doesn't do.  Apples make his mouth burn/itch a bit, but with caramel, chocolate, and nuts, well, you suffer through the discomfort.  I also bought three new pairs of cheap sunglasses, all identical to the pair(s) I've been wearing for a year or more now.  And then I came home and found the pair I misplaced days earlier.  Oops.  But I have four pairs now!  Hopefully they last a week or two. 

It's snowing out a little right now, and it's pretty typical of this winter--just a little bit of snow here and there, nothing really much to write home about except our October snowstorm that doesn't even count towards winter.  It's almost February though, and I'm grateful because I'm looking forward to spending some time outside in the sun.  Maybe we'll even get a garden in this year!  That would be pretty spectacular. I'll look out at the snow and dream of fresh tomatoes....

I am having another rough week.  Kids sick, or at least doing everything in their power to fake it, the cold, dark days of winter, ugh.  I'm trying to find a little bit of bright side to all of this, so I can try and catch the upswing and stop being so sad and frustrated.  

The other day I went and saw my mom, which had been a while, sad to say.  I didn't spend a heck of a lot of time with her, but it was nice to see her face to face.  As we left, I waited at the end of her driveway to make sure it was clear (it's a frighteningly blind spot) and then said to the kids, "Ready?"  Josh said, "Set!" with me, and then I heard a little voice right behind me say, "Doe!" --As in, Go! as said by the cutest little two year old squirt I know. :)  Emi is starting to pick up a lot of words.  Last night she was doing a happy dance while eating her "crack-a" (cracker) and everything she says at this point just makes me smile.

Marcel and I had a nice evening together last night--as close to a date as we've gotten in a while, just sitting and talking and being together.  The night before that, we ran to the pharmacy while Zach babysat, and when we got back we stayed in the car and talked about our relationship.  We know a lot of people separating, divorcing, having problems, and it starts to weigh on you.  You start thinking, "Are we ok?  Is there something we should be doing?"   But it was a good talk.  I love that guy.  After all these years, it still feels bright and shiny and brand new.

Today, I've got to drive down to Nashua to get Benjamin a new pair of glasses.  His got snapped in half last night during some roughhousing with Alex.  He's due for a new pair, and we just got his new prescription two weeks ago, so it could be a lot worse.  It's just odd seeing him walking around with no glasses, since he has no spare.  

It looks like it's snowing a little bit outside.  Hope it's a good trip down to Nashua today! Happy Winter! (Say it like you mean it, right?!)

We bought a house.  Yup, you already knew that.  It's old news.  Buying a house meant that we'd have six hundred dollar a month jump from what we were paying for rent to what our mortgage payment is.  We knew that.  We had (kind of) made peace with that, even though it was painful, because it's a good thing.  More than twice the square footage?  And a yard all our own?  Sure, that's worth six hundred more a month, even if it sometimes feels like squeezing blood from a stone.  

And then we got notice that it was going to get worse.  $230 a month worse. Someone did something and screwed up (it wasn't us, for once!) and that meant we had to come up with the difference.  Oy.  Every week that I'd deposit Marcel's check I'd feel like hyperventilating because I didn't know how I was going to make ends meet.  It's not fun.

I finally called the housing people, the the state authority that owns our mortgage, to ask for help.  I didn't think I'd have any luck, but I had to try.  The nice fellow I spoke to looked at our numbers and was left with a huge question mark, so they're looking into things.  So far, it appears the title company that did our closing thought that the half year property taxes were actually for the whole year.  So, not only did they have us bring too little to closing, (which we thought was weird at the time) they also had the bank we were buying the house from bring too little.  So there is some hope that we will be getting more money from them, and fixing our escrow up a bit, and hopefully knocking that extra $230 a bit.  Only time will tell for sure, but it's looking pretty good.  Thank goodness.

So, lesson is... Ask.  You never know what kind of help you might get, but it's better than going it alone.

Lately, I feel like it's hard to take one step after another... Like life is exhausting.   I want to feel like me again!