I swear, there are more sins in parenthood than there are in the Bible. So many things that you can do wrong (or have go wrong) that make you feel like you're being judged by others, even if you're not. It's that good old fashioned Catholic guilt, but stronger, because you're not just cursing yourself to eternal damnation, you're also (maybe) totally messing up your kids for life.
So... Last week sucked. I mean, SUCKED. I mean... well, you get the point. I can't tell you how much it sucked without getting vulgar and inappropriate. Not to say I'm not tempted. It's been that bad. A few tongue-tingling words might feel good, but they won't fix anything, so why bother?
Josh is still having problems. He started the week ok, but from Wednesday on, it turned into a nightmare at school. Calls from the school to come and pick him up, and then going and fighting him to come home. Friday was a wrestling match that included me, Josh, and the assistant principal. Yeah, that was fun. But the real knife in the gut came when they had to call the POLICE because he still wouldn't calm down. He was desperate to go back into school, to say goodbye to his teacher. "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE!" He kept trying to unhook his seatbelt and run from the car, which is obviously a safety issue. And we couldn't reach him. It was like he was locked into his head, and couldn't hear us, couldn't understand us, understand the ramifications of what he was doing. So finally, they called the police. And we still waited and warned him and wrestled him. Finally the police officer showed up, and he came over and told Josh that he had to go home, he had to calm down. Somehow he heard that, so he stopped fighting.
And, I swear to God, before we were out of the school loop, he was calm again. Talking to his brother about video games. And that's so strange, but it gives us hope. He can be calm, he can be happy. But... what the hell is going on that is making him so emotional at school? These outbursts don't usually happen at home (though he did have one about moisturizer last week, as well). I don't know... We don't know... Even the therapists we've been talking to don't know. It's probably going to be a long slow process figuring this out, but I have to find a solution to continue his education through it in the meanwhile. I have a meeting at the school today to address that very issue.
One day at a time, I guess... But they are very long days, to be sure.